The time comes when you finally feel like you can write about it. Like you HAVE to write about it.
Its too quiet, I have been too quiet…
People notice…
Questions…
But where is the start? The Beginning? That pivotal moment? How did this happen??
Well it wasnt like that, not really. With depression it never is… is it? Not for me at least…
Someone said its the price you pay for your art… some days I think they might be onto something… other days I think they are full of shit…
Depression has always been there, in the background, just a few steps behind me… Every now and then I get a tap on the shoulder… Then weeks roll by almost without change, except bit by bit the world gets smaller, darker. Even the most basic of tasks becomes more burdensome, concentration slips, the world now slightly out of focus.
I know this, I have been here before. I know what to do, I know the path to tread. Slowly but surely I always push my way back.
Except this time was different… deeper and darker… I was in freefall and hadnt even noticed… the whole world was like a slow motion train wreck and I was just sitting there watching… unable to lift a finger… Even now as I look back its almost terrifying…
And then it got worse… much worse, things would never be the same.
Its not even 6am when the phone rings… “Hey its Dee” she says with tears in her voice, “somethings happened to mum, she is in hospital, its not good, you better get over here…”
I’m shocked… lost for words… the conversation is a blur…
Silence, sitting on the side of the bed… bugger, my passport has expired… the whole world is spinning… so much to organise…
2 hours later the phone rings again… its Dad… “its not good at all mate, get over here as quick as you can….”
Its amazing what you can get done when you have to, a replacement passport in 3 hours… and a one way ticket to New Zealand… But it was late afternoon before I kissed Narelle and the kids goodbye and boarded the plane…
Walking to my plane… I like flying, I hated this.
A four hour flight and another 2 hours getting to the Hospital (thanks Jase & Amy)… all the while praying I am not too late…
Tears fill my eyes as I type this, just rolling down my cheeks… remembering that long night… but at least I got to say goodbye, we all did.
The following day mum slipped away quietly…
I try not to think about the next week to much… the grief of others, so much harder to bare than my own it seemed… Tears, flowers, warm spring sunshine, condolences, helplessness, sleepless nights, decisions, silence, heavy wooden casket…
I cant imagine what Dad was going through… surrounded by family and at the same time so alone…
A thousand words I couldn’t write.
It was great to see everyone again, it had been a few years… but all too soon I was saying goodbye at Wellington Airport, as lightning flashed and the rain fell in torrents.
The flight was uneventful, the welcome at Tullamarine was everything I had imagined. I was home!
The next few weeks were rough to say the least… I couldnt sleep… it was hell. I needed help… so I went and got it.
I still miss her so much… and its at the strangest times. Like during a discussion with the kids about how many of us as 4-5years olds had cut our own hair with scissors…I think to myself, “I will ask mum when I cut my hair, I think I was 5″… “Oh… wait… I cant…”
I see her in the expressions on the kids faces… little glimpses… and I like that. She would too.
Yes, it was hard to write this, its taken weeks… I dont even know if this is exactly what I wanted to say… But at least you know where I have been and why. I have to thank many people for their kindness and understanding over the past few months, especially since this has been so difficult to deal with and talk about..
Am I back? For the most part I would say yes… but it is a long road.
What I can say is that its a hell of a lot easier to be around a hundred or more smiling happy people, than it is sitting here alone in my office!!
Photographs Captured by iPhone and Canon 5DII
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©2011 Robb Duncan | Wedding Photographer | Melbourne | Geelong | Ballarat
