Melbourne & Geelong Wedding & Portrait Photographer Robb Duncan

This blog opens the door to my world, my passion, my life. And incase you missed it, my names Robb Duncan - Photographer - Father of 6 - Wearer of Kilts and all round nice guy.( OK, so that last bit might be stretching it a little !!)

Darkness and Light

The time comes when you finally feel like you can write about it. Like you HAVE to write about it.

Its too quiet, I have been too quiet…

People notice…

Questions…

But where is the start? The Beginning? That pivotal moment? How did this happen??

Well it wasnt like that, not really. With depression it never is… is it? Not for me at least…

Someone said its the price you pay for your art… some days I think they might be onto something… other days I think they are full of shit…

Depression has always been there, in the background, just a few steps behind me… Every now and then I get a tap on the shoulder… Then weeks roll by almost without change, except bit by bit the world gets smaller, darker. Even the most basic of tasks becomes more burdensome, concentration slips, the world now slightly out of focus.

I know this, I have been here before. I know what to do, I know the path to tread. Slowly but surely I always push my way back.

Melbourne & Geelong Photographer

Except this time was different… deeper and darker… I was in freefall and hadnt even noticed… the whole world was like a slow motion train wreck and I was just sitting there watching… unable to lift a finger… Even now as I look back its almost terrifying…

And then it got worse… much worse, things would never be the same.

Its not even 6am when the phone rings… “Hey its Dee” she says with tears in her voice, “somethings happened to mum, she is in hospital, its not good, you better get over here…”
I’m shocked… lost for words… the conversation is a blur…
Silence, sitting on the side of the bed… bugger, my passport has expired… the whole world is spinning… so much to organise…
2 hours later the phone rings again… its Dad… “its not good at all mate, get over here as quick as you can….”

Its amazing what you can get done when you have to, a replacement passport in 3 hours… and a one way ticket to New Zealand… But it was late afternoon before I kissed Narelle and the kids goodbye and boarded the plane…

Melbourne & Geelong Photographer

Walking to my plane… I like flying, I hated this.

A four hour flight and another 2 hours getting to the Hospital (thanks Jase & Amy)… all the while praying I am not too late…

Tears fill my eyes as I type this, just rolling down my cheeks… remembering that long night… but at least I got to say goodbye, we all did.

The following day mum slipped away quietly…

I try not to think about the next week to much… the grief of others, so much harder to bare than my own it seemed… Tears, flowers, warm spring sunshine, condolences, helplessness, sleepless nights, decisions, silence, heavy wooden casket…

I cant imagine what Dad was going through… surrounded by family and at the same time so alone…

Dad...

A thousand words I couldn’t write.

It was great to see everyone again, it had been a few years… but all too soon I was saying goodbye at Wellington Airport, as lightning flashed and the rain fell in torrents.

The flight was uneventful, the welcome at Tullamarine was everything I had imagined. I was home!

The next few weeks were rough to say the least… I couldnt sleep… it was hell. I needed help… so I went and got it.

I still miss her so much… and its at the strangest times. Like during a discussion with the kids about how many of us as 4-5years olds had cut our own hair with scissors…I think to myself, “I will ask mum when I cut my hair, I think I was 5″… “Oh… wait… I cant…”

I see her in the expressions on the kids faces… little glimpses… and I like that. She would too.

Yes, it was hard to write this, its taken weeks… I dont even know if this is exactly what I wanted to say… But at least you know where I have been and why. I have to thank many people for their kindness and understanding over the past few months, especially since this has been so difficult to deal with and talk about..

Am I back? For the most part I would say yes… but it is a long road.

What I can say is that its a hell of a lot easier to be around a hundred or more smiling happy people, than it is sitting here alone in my office!!

Photographs Captured by iPhone and Canon 5DII

97/200

by Robb Duncan

show hide 26 comments

Lauren - Rob, I heart you! For putting yourself out there. For being an amazing person and I know times have been tough but I know you will be OK, it might be a different OK to before, but you have an awesome family and friends that are here for you, never forget that.

Len - Robb, I feel so incredibly lucky to get to call you friend, also I need to give you a massive hug. Your writing is so beautiful and heartbreaking. I know you’ll be ok and just remember you’re surrounding by lots of amazing people who love you and would do anything for you! xx

Phill - You’re a good Dad Robb. Your Mum would be proud of you. Like you say, she’s there in the expressions on the kids’ faces. Don’t be spending too much time in that office. Go outside, feel the sky on your face and remember her there.

Jonas Peterson - Good on you for sharing this, Robb. We’re always afraid people will judge us in our darkest moments, but they never do. Talking about it is the first step to recovery. Please do.

Fe - Huge hugs from another who is proud and lucky and thankful to call you a friend. xx

Alexander Gardner - Robb,

I know the feeling and I felt it here. I had to stop and breathe to give me a little respite and be able to read on. You can’t have have your parts manager breaking into tears at his desk in an open plan office!

It’s been an extraordinarily rough year for many of the people I know and love. Many changes to people I thought I knew.

You, Robb, have a big heart and a great outlook on life and I’m so damned glad I know you and can call you a friend.

You put yourself out there and exposed what’s still tender. That’s big kaunas and a lot of fortitude.

Hugs and all that jazz buddy.

Fran Paysen - Robb, I’m so sorry to hear about your mum passing away. Like many others I’d noticed you’d gone quiet these last few months…I thought something like this may be happening in your life, so sad. Grieving is hard, and depression is a bitch. I’m glad you can write about it now and that you’ll slowly come back to ‘normal’, although you’ve had a hard blow that will take a long time to come to terms with. Big hugs mate.

Fran Paysen - PS: by the way, those three images are very evocative…they tell the story of these last few months so perfectly.

JD - Thank you, Robb

alyda - thanks so much for sharing Rob, so sorry to hear your news. hugs from a stranger xx

Heather - I almost lost my mom this year. I cannot imagine the pain. My thoughts are with you. <3

Janet Palmer - Much love to you and your family mate, you have awesome strength and I know you’ll get through it. Thinking of you & just holler again if you need x

Narelle - I am sooooo proud of you hon!! Even though I am with you to witness what you have been going through and I bear the frustration of not being able to help you, all I can do is just be with you and ride it out with you… Reading this gives even myself a different level of understanding!
I love you with all my heart and am here for the long haul…
Big kisses to you my love Xx

Erica - I don’t really know what to say. Just hugs and I’ve been thinking of you.

Lisa - I’m really sorry for your loss, and your post was so heart-wrenching. But you were very brave to write these words and put this out there, most people can’t even get these sort of feelings out like you did. I’m glad you are back and I hope things get better.

Lori Wiltse - So very sorry for the loss of your mother, Robb. Praying for peace for you. Hugs!

Fiona Andersen - Oh wow. I can’t begin to imagine. My heart aches for your loss. Hold tight, your mum would be so proud xx

Luis - Condolences mate. Thank you so much for sharing this.

Jase Lloyd - Wondered where you had been Robb, sending you good karma from the other side of the globe.

Che - My sincere condolences on your loss, but also thank-you for sharing.

Marcel Van der Horst - Robb, I’m so sorry to hear about this, we certainly missed you in the photog community and I’ll look forward to catching up with you again soon. Thank you for these words, very touching.

Dani - beautifully written Robb. I’m so sorry for your loss, but think you are amazing for sharing this journey.

Robyn Geering - Much love to you and all of your family, through these difficult times.

Renee Bell - oh Robb… i have never met you. but i wish i could hug you right now!!!

Mark Quade - Hi Robb, I can only imagine what you have been going through. Be strong. Keep reaching out. Keep getting help. And thanks for sharing

Hannah - Robb, I just got the chance to read this, and I wanted to say how sorry I am about your mother. I also wanted to say that I am so sorry that you are suffering through grief and depression. You are a wonderful person, who gives much to others, and you are brave for putting this out there. Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best in the New Year.